Issue15

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Today's issue includes:

1. Feature Article -- "The Season From Hell" (Season Five)
2. Xena quote/Xena Jokes
3. Featured FanFic and Short Review -- "Whacked by an Angel (How the Fifth Season Should be)," "Season Five Previsited," "Eve of Destruction," "Eve Will Die This Day," "Aphrodite's Got a Secret," "Najara Again"
4. Xena News -- "Fallen Angel or Fallen Short?" "The So. California XenaFest 6"
5. Featured Xena Links -- The Official Alexandra Tydings Website, Claire Stansfield's Website, The Official Website of Renee O'Connor, Bruce Campbell Online, Aphrodite's Xenites.com
6. Xena: Warrior Princess Episode Guide -- "A Fist Full of Dinars," "Warrior...Princess"
7. Lowered Expectations Training -- "Is That Entertainment or What?"
8. Season Five Parodies -- "Looking Death in The Eye," "Livia"
9. Feedback
10. PRIVACY/NO SPAM POLICY!
11. Subscribe/Unsubscribe Information
12. Credits
13. Archives

In our eyes, there was no Season Five of Xena: Warrior Princess, but for the sake of argument--and keeping the season issues consecutive--here is your Season Five Issue. Enjoy!

1) Featured Article

"The Season From Hell"
E.J Rain
7/31/00

"No angel born in hell..."

We had given it not so serious thought to just throw up our hands at this point and decry, "there was no season five," and take a little vacation. However...I guess we have to face up to it.

The old gods were much more fun, but TPTB continue to revise the new myth as well--to redeem evil out of hell itself. It was the season of a shameful loss of control, and of the characters and storyline as well,
directly correlated to the loss of Steve Sears and Liz Friedman (and now Chris Manheim--is there any wonder why it's not the same show?) As one of our readers put it, when we lost Steve, we lost our show. It became a kiddy action series (Herc, in other words) and lost all its power and passion--and subtext.

Oh, there was more of everything (almost everything)--more violence, more bloodshed, a more muscular Gab, more of Xena (fighting for two), way more (grr) Joxer, more slapstick and farce, more FX, more costume changes. Everything (including the baby and the bath water) except more subtext. Sigh. The show used to have more going for it than its, unarguably, pivotal and enticing subtext, but with Sorbo's early departure from his series, leftover Herc scripts, Orci and Kurtzman in charge, the inherited
Twilight of the gods storyline, R.J. and Rob busy on other projects ("Jack of All Trades," propping up a silly series for old chum Bruce Campbell, now cancelled) no wonder it was a melange of conflicting styles and concepts. It's amazing they managed to begin such a season on such a celestially high note. (See issue number 6 for an appreciation of the artistic triumph of "Fallen Angel.")

From the angelic/demonic masterpiece of "Fallen Angel" to the rather weak attempt at rapprochement between the series and its fans and between Xena and Gab at the end of "Motherhood," when Gab's maternal right is finally acknowledged by her partner. It was the very definition of a pyrrhic victory--they shot the wad with the pinnacle of the season opener, everything else was anticlimax. Weak as water. No integrity or intelligence left. Contradictions and confusion and conundrums. Cleo
undergoes a pigment transformation a la Michael Jackson and Antony is an even denser block of wood than Ulysses. In "Purity" and "Back in the Bottle" we learn that Xena's passionate sojourn with Lao Ma was nothing more than maternal and filial interest. Having written and revised history and myth repeatedly, they now displayed absolutely no qualms about revising their own.

Xena used to know how to slyly play Ares, had his number in the first season, his first appearance even, now she behaves towards him just as did her younger self when she allowed Caesar to take advantage of her 'weaker' female emotions and hormones. The only one Xena should show vulnerability towards is her partner and admitted "weakness"--Gabrielle. Are souls within a body or still also in "heaven"--two places at once?--as angel Callisto from on high touched her supposed reincarnation Livia/Eve in a blinding flash of personal insight like Saul on the road to Damascus. And the genitive force behind Xena's offspring can be another woman, just not her soulmate and life partner. We don't think Steve Sears would've written it quite that way.

Gabby nauseatingly rethinks on too many occasions her previous aversion to noxious pest Joxer. This seemed almost incestuous for what was essentially an annoying younger brother type character. Perhaps most insulting of all (to all of us 'amazons') was the extremely dismissive manner in which
Artemis was at last invited into the mythos of the series. A goddess presence that should have been there from the first. Finally, we get to see her, goddess of the amazons, represented, and it's to shoot off a few
lame arrows and, wordlessly, crumple to Xena's berserker god-killing spree. This was insulting. To the Goddess. To all amazons everywhere. And to gay women fans in particular.

The fascinating Livia of "I, Claudius" is rewritten as a whining 90210 brat. And Xena seemed deliberately to taunt and tease Gabrielle with her attraction to and attempted seduction of Antony and Ares...pushing her buttons, trying to make her partner jealous ("I felt something." "I have a thing for bad boys.") Why? This is unlike Xena in the former rock solid foundation of her relationship with Gabrielle. Is it because she's, to put it bluntly, not getting any? ("Not tonight.") They seem to be playing games with each other. That's just not nice, girls. And it's not true to your characters. A jumbled mess of a mythos that was once so compelling. It was a season of heartbreak and missed opportunities.

2) Xena Quote/Xena Jokes

Xena Quote

Demon Xena: "I want to spend eternity with you. ...Gabrielle, the love that we have is stronger than heaven or hell. It transcends good or evil. It's an end in itself. Our souls are destined to be together. Gabrielle, you can't let me walk through hell alone." -- Xena to Gabrielle in "Fallen Angel"

Xena Jokes

TOP XIV REASONS GABBY SHOULD KEEP THAT HORSE
I. Now Gab has her own horse she can dink around and loosen the halter straps on.
II. She can trade the horse to the Blessed Virgin Mary and get her beloved Tobias back.
III. Argo can teach him Xena's Horse Code.
IV. Now X&G and Argo can double-date.
V. He can run faster than Gab.
VI. Somebody has to keep Argo company next time Gab and Xena will get killed.
VII. He matches Gab's outfit.
VIII. Gab now will have a place where she can hide her scrolls and frying pan from Xena.
IX. Joxer wouldn't be able to catch up with X and G, since now they both have horses.
X. Two is better than one, and, speaking of saddles...
XI. With Xena pregnant, they both won't be able to fit on one horse.
XII. The animal already had some acting experiences, he played the back end of a centaur before.
XIII. The fact of Gab travelling with a male companion will not cause quite as many jokes and rumors on alt.tv.xena.
XIV. The fact of Argo traveling with a male companion will leave many centaurs heartbroken.
*First posted to alt.tv.xena*

Top 10 ways Xena got pregnant
1. An egg from Xena and Gabrielle are brought close together in a petrie dish and the cell walls at the point of contact are dissolved by a special enzyme. After both haploid sets of chromosomes merge, cell replication is initiated by briefly piercing the cytoplasm with a microscopic glass tube. Then the zygote is implanted in Xena's uterus. Bake for nine months and serve.
2. The old reliable turkey baster method.
3. Callisto, with permission from Michael, miraculously caused Xena to conceive.
4. Gabrielle not only had six toes, she is also a genetic hermaphrodite and has a small functioning penis.
5. Athena, the goddess of skills, with a go-ahead by the Fates, is granting her greatest worshipper, Xena, a second chance to raise her son Solan.
6. There is no sex.
7. It is Hercules' baby. As a half-man/half-god, Herc has this funky sperm that works like those time-release cold capsules.
8. During a recent battle an stray arrow sliced through a man's testicles and then penetrated deep into Xena's lower abdomen. She is alright now, but by an incredible fluke she is pregnant.
9. It was Xena's fault for getting drunk and tricking Joxer into thinking she was Meg.
10. When Xena was trying to take over Hell she was such a slut...
*First posted to alt.tv.xena*

Top 10 episodes with Xena's baby
1. Adventures in the Diaper Pin Trade
2. I Smell a Brat
3. Change the Subject
4. All Wet That End's Wet
5. It Runs in the Family
6. There is no number six.
7. A Fistful of Diapers
8. Delivery
9. Is There a Pediatrician in the House?
10. Wean In Rome
*First posted to alt.tv.xena*

Top 6 rejected name ideas for Julius Robert Bay Tapert
1---Slobodan Toxeus Ares Tapert
2---2 of 9 Velasca Hera Tapert
3---Orenthal James Xerxes Tapert
4---Damien Thorne Mazentius Tapert
5---Tonya Bobbitt Callisto Tapert
6---Rush Newt Joxer Tapert
*First posted to alt.tv.xena*

Top 10 Reasons Why Xenite Lesbians Were Throwing Their TV Sets Out The Window

1. X:WP episodes with fish and sticks.
2. Aphrodite was the only god(dess) to survive the twilight...and STILL no subtext!!!Where's the love girls?*
3. Callisto turning into some godaweful love child.
4. Joxer. `Nuff said.
5. Orci and Kurtzman, the successful writing team who brought you shows like Jack of All Trades.
6. You know the drill. All together. "There is no number six!"
7. Eli and his merry God of Love. Enough with that already. All we need is Aphrodite!
8. Ares getting more play time with Xena than Gabby did.
9. Xena beaning Gabby in the head with her chakram.
10. Yet another baby to distract Xena.
11. Xena trussed up and totally immobile and no Gab in position to enjoy it??
12. Demon with tire tread, a definite libido squelcher...and she had long fingernails, too. Ouch!
13. When the only subtext there is between Athena and her champion...trust me, it's time to trash the fucking writers.
14. Xena nude in the hot tub and ARES is the one that gets to see her...even Joxer had more of an eyeful than Gab!
15. Someone gets their nipple nipped but it ain't the bard
16. X and G are facing their last moments on earth with three armies heading their way and not even a line rivaling the famous 'Even in death, Gabrielle, I will never leave you.'
17. One of the main highlights, subtext-wise, for the whole season is when X gives G mouth to mouth and we don't even get to see the lips touch?
18. The BEST subtext moment was actually done with words: and Ares, wouldn't we ALL have paid money to see that?
19. The girls are on ice and neither one thought of doing the obvious to warm up that body core temp?
20. Xena dragging an almost lifeless body of her bard around...this does NOT constitute foreplay.

*Ares isn't a god anymore, so he doesn't count.

3) Featured Fan Fiction

Cated's FanFic Review

Guest reviewer: Bacchae2
Researchers: Cindy and Sue

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"Whacked by an Angel (How the Fifth Season Should be)"
by Cassandra and Bik
http://www.xenafan.com/fiction/content5/cassbik_angel.html

An amusing little afterlife ditty 'bout Xena and Gabby getting into the spirit of searching for their own small section of paradise.

I give "Whacked by an Angel (How the Fifth Season Should be)" **** (4
stars)

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"Season Five Previsited"
by Klancy7
http://ausxip.com/fanfiction/s/season5revisit.html

Sort of what we'll be attempting in our next issue (on season six). A romantic, but bittersweet reunion in 'limbo' between Xena and Gab...and Ephiny. Reminds one a bit of some of the recent Dark Horse comics
plotting.

I give "Season Five Previsited" **** (4 stars)

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"Eve of Destruction"
by GabbysHOPE
http://xenafiction.net/scrolls/gabbyshope_eod.hts

An interesting, if arcane, bit of 'what if' daydreaming re whatever happened to Hope and drawing a parallel to the birth of Eve.

I give "Eve of Destruction" *** (3 stars)

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"Eve Will Die This Day"
by Alan Plessinger
http://xenafiction.net/scrolls/alan_plessinger_ewdtd.hts

Hmmm...don't quite know if this one is intended as a one-liner or not...you decide. And then again, whether it's supposed to be amusing or poignant. "Tedious and brief...merry and tragical." Xena's daughter reformed...sort of. A little too late. A bit of an O. Henry twist at the end.

I give "Eve Will Die This Day" *** (3 stars)

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"Aphrodite's Got a Secret"
by Lena
http://ausxip.com/fanfic11/aphroditesecret.html

A curious entry in the pantheon of who's who in mythical lineage. Try to guess Dite's little secret. This story deals with the immediate aftereffects of Xena's rampage against the Olympians and what remains to be revealed by those few still standing. A somewhat uneasy mixture of humor and pathos.

I give "Aphrodite's Got a Secret" *** (3 stars)

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"Najara Again"
by Alan Plessinger
http://xenafiction.net/scrolls/alan_plessinger_na.hts

Another rather odd tale. Apparently some of us expected to see the re-converted Crusader again in Season Five. This takes place after Gabrielle's little initiation rite in which she adopts Xena's daughter
as her own and into the amazon tribe and during that time of marital strife between the warrior and bard during which they almost separated. Najara once again makes an opportunistic play for the bard. Does manage to strike some chords in the similarities and disparities in these relationships.

I give "Najara Again" *** (3 stars)

4) Xena News

"Fallen Angel or Fallen Short?"
Lady Adrell
August 03, 2000

Channel 10 in Australia, the station that Aussie Xenites have been fighting with for over a year to get Xena brought back on the air, has once again denied fans the show. After the July 22 showing of "Ides of
March" and "Fallen Angel," the station stated that it was "disappointing that the audience figures continue to reflect a huge lack of viewer support." They had planned on bringing the show back but the lack of audience support ensured that the show will not be aired in any permanent state.*

Now the Aussie Xenites are no closer to seeing Season Five of Xena than they were before. But don't give up the cause just because it looks hopeless. They still need our help. Go to the message boards and tell the station what you think about their decision.

(More about Channel 10 and their right to air Xena in the next issue.)

CHANNEL 10'S XENA MESSAGE BOARD
http://203.147.194.81/webCh10/admin/SwitchedOn/bbs/bbs/message_display.asp?topic_id=139&PromotionID=817&b1=&b2=

*Comments from Channel 10 were taken from an email response given to
Michelle Couse and posted to the XAC mailing list.

**************************

"The So. California XenaFest 6"
Lady Adrell
August 1, 2000

For anyone who has not been to the annual XenaFest in Southern California I want to say that it is one memorable experience. The Fest organizers (Warlords)--all fans--go all out to make the experience as fun as possible for Fest goers. Everything from Xena videos to art to Xena stars and production staff can be seen. For a very minimal fee you get great doorprizes, entertainment, buffet food and unlimited non-alcoholic drinks, and more fun than you can shake a stick at. An auction is held every year to raise funds to be donated to charity.

This year’s XenaFest delivered over and above an extraordinary good time. The doorprizes doubled from last year, the games were inventive and challenging, the entertainment was excellent and unexpected, and several stars of the show joined us.

Doorprizes have been a long running theme of the So. California XenaFests. Each year the prizes get better and better. Whether it be an autographed item or a picture, everyone will got something to take home. In previous years, the doorprizes have been as grand as an authentic GabWacker donated by Mamma Gab.

The games this year entailed gaining points by throwing a chakram at three small stand-ups; Joxer, Alti, and Gabby. The winner was the one who accumulated the most points by hitting either Joxer or Alti. A hit to Gabby deducted points from your score. The second game was a matching game where each participant had to match the props to the Xena episode. There were several props to match. authentic fake Xena props at that!

As many of you already know, Missy Good's episode "Legacy" was shown to us at the Fest. At least some of it was. It was a treat for all of us to see both our girls naked and wet. A throwback to the earlier days of Xena to be certain, but sure to be censored and cut to ribbons when it is finally aired. This was just the highlight of the entertainment, though. Xena videos, Season Five episodes, the always funny "Bitter Treat," and the 5th Season bloopers were also shown at the Fest.

No Xena event would be complete without the show's actors. This year Claire Stansfield (Alti), Alex Tydings (Aphrodite), Robert Trebor (Salmoneus), and Paris Jefferson (Athena) were all present to mingle with fans. Robert was there almost from the beginning signing autographs and promoting his hilarious book. The other three came almost at the end of the event.

When Claire and Alex showed up, to much surprise, they were literally mobbed by the fans. Everyone wanted to talk to and get their pictures taken with the lovely women. Claire stands out in a crowd being at least 6 feet tall and beautiful. As you can imagine, Alex is a bit harder to spot in a mob, until you spot that gorgeous, dimpled smile and then you know you've found the Goddess. In her first experience with Xena fans, Paris entered the event with some fanfare but the crowd had been controlled by then. The Fest Warlords finally organized themselves and set the actors up in one part of the room so that they could regulate the people going to them.

Everyone clamored to get autographs and pictures with the stars. The most memorable was popular FanFic bard, Penumbra. She requested each woman sign a different body part; stomach, butt, and inner thigh. Alex and Claire seemed to have fun with the fact that one of their fans was lifting her dress to expose her flesh for them to sign, but the timid Paris looked a bit thrown by the request. She got into the spirit though and laid her John Hancock on Penumbra. Let's hope her family never sees those pictures!

At the end of it all, several valuable items were auctioned off to people with money enough to bid. Autographed pictures of Alex and Claire were auctioned off and it became a game between the two actresses of whose picture goes for the most. Alex won in that category by a few more dollars than Claire; both pictures being sold for more than $200.

As the actors left, they each said a good-bye and thanks. Paris Jefferson said an emotional good-bye to the fans. She was amazed and appreciative of the support for the show and the love for the actors shown by the fans, something they don't get to experience just working on the sets. It was great to know that she was not scared off by the intensity of the Xena fans. Maybe signing Penumbra's thigh did something to her.

Whether or not there will be a XenaFest 7 or not is undecided. If the Fates see fit to give us another Fest, save your money, make the time or whatever you have to do to be there. It is something that you'll remember for the rest of your life.

5) Featured Xena Links

The Official Alexandra Tydings Website
http://www.alextydings.com

You know her as Aphrodite of Xena, now see the real Alex Tydings. Everything you want to know straight from the beauty herself.

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Claire Stansfield's Website
http://www.clairestansfield.com/

"Xena's Little Bitch" has her own Website. You want to know what she's up to, where she's been and what's planned for the future? Then you need to check out this site.

Also take a gander at a preview of Claire's "Chickmate." It rocks! Plus Lucy does the Trailer voice over.
http://www.scribline.com

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The Official Website of Renee O'Connor
http://rampages.onramp.net/~rocweb/

ROC's very own Website. Not quite everything you'd want to know about the Texan cutie, but it's a great place to start.

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Bruce Campbell Online
http://www.bruce-campbell.com/

That dashing actor we all loved as Autolycus has his very own Website. Bruce is devoted to his fans answering all or most e-mail sent to him. He even keeps his site current. If you want to keep tabs on what he's doing now, go to his site and find out.

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Aphrodite's Xenites.com
http://www.xenites.com/

A great fan site full of awesome Xenite information and fun. The site is updated regularly and above all it looks great!

6) Xena: Warrior Princess Episode Guide
by Bacchae2

Episode Fourteen "A Fistful of Dinars" and Episode Fifteen "Warrior...Princess"

"A Fistful of Dinars"

An ep you don't hear people talk about very much, but one with some 'very' interesting twists in the growing subtext tapestry becoming intricately intertwined within the delicately nuanced performances (the only thing delicate or nuanced about this show) of the actresses. Gabby finds herself attracted to a bad boy, one of her partner's former lovers, in fact. Is that why? Partly? Gab wants to test the boundaries, to boldly go where the true object of her obsession has gone before. Hey, she's just doing research, right? And Xena is decidedly upset about it. Xena is full of fury at her former betrothed, not for being scorned, but because of what he may do to Gabrielle's innocent affections ("You hurt my friend and I'll rip your throat out.") Her personal priorities have clearly shifted. It is not about him. And when he accuses her of jealousy in the matter even he is savvy enough to know just where that jealousy is directed and at whom. He doesn't count, it's Gab she passionately cares about and will protect at any cost. Unlike most other predictably boring series, it's not about two women friends attracted to and vying for the same man. Not at all.

Sidelights; the bastard of an assassin will become the guru of "Paradise Found." A good actor, and he's funny in this. Jeremy Roberts and Renee work well together as a comedy team here as they worked tantalizingly well together as partners in yoga later on. The editors used that skull-eye-sockets-spiders shot in the ep before last. And Gab is without her staff again! Are we out of sequence once more? She retreats to the background and swings her satchel! Yes, she is, as the handsome rogue assures her, "very smart, very perceptive, very beautiful." He's so seductively persuasive that Xena prefers Gab go with the assassin (!) than with her old flame. But Xena's old boyfriend shows his enduring and regretful love for her by giving his life for her new partner. Very touching. Not a bad guy after all.

Subtext Rating: Old vs New Faithful. Simmering just below the surface and coming to a boil.

**************************

"Warrior...Princess"

The true joke in the midst of this bit of comic mayhem is that Ms. Lawless, the nonpareil of all women, totally unique and fresh and original, could have a double?! I wish. I'll take one. Please. As the first in the series of multiple clones (or clowns) this is the most bearable and, initially excusable, as being in the grand classic tradition of Greek and Roman theater (the "Twin Menechmi" of Plautus, e.g.) Once again, it's a nice little fairy tale retelling. Gab dealing with the girlie version of Xena is both amused and amusing. As is the real Xena trying to be a 'girl.' "Chakram." "Bless you."

Subtext Rating: Silly, but sincere. Gab likes seeing Xena in more feminine clothes once in awhile. The first shot of Gabrielle, deep into her romantic poem to Xena is to sigh for. Gab "fulfills" Xena's "every
whim"...hmm? ("Hey, that's what you're here for.") And "Don't be afraid to speak up when it happens." Finding that certain someone, that tree in the forest, that...soulmate... Gee, I think she was speaking up in that establishing shot, leaning against that tree in the forest (!) and composing a loving tribute to her heart and soul's inspiration.

7) Lowered Expectations Training

"Is This Entertainment or What?"
August 2, 2000

Disclaimer: This article is the last installment of the series, so all expectations should be lowered by now. All of the below statements are made with this assumption.

Spoiler Warning: If you don’t like spoilers and you haven’t seen Season Five, I guess you know what to do.

In the first installment of the Lowered Expectations series, I showed you how to rate Season Five episodes. The usual rating scales were tossed out and the Lowered Expectations Rating Scale for Season Five was brought in. The scale for rating any episode from Seasons One through Four could not apply to Season Five because so many elements of the show had been unsatisfactorily changed. To begin to enjoy Season Five you had to know the new rating system.

The second installment in the series demonstrated exactly how to lower your expectations for Season Five, and why. Many of the meaningful elements fans had come to expect from the show had almost totally disappeared. This installment advised you on which expectations to lower and why. Once that was complete you could finally stop bitching and relax to watch Xena.

We already have the correct rating scale and lowered our expectations on a show we love. That leaves us with some good entertainment, or whatever you want to call it. Now what are we supposed to do? In this final installment I will show you how to raise some expectations to find substantial entertainment in Season Five of Xena: Warrior Princess.

As a Hardcore Nutball, mere entertainment is not enough where Xena is involved. We could receive pure entertainment by watching kittens play. But Xenites need more! Season Five gave us some entertaining moments as it stood, with no expectations lowered, but, as I have already stated, it was not enough. However once you have lowered your expectations, entertainment is pretty much all you’re left with. To compensate for the lost elements I’ll give you some-- let’s call them Raised Expectations--to enable you to
not only be entertained but to really get into Season Five.

What do most of us love about Xena? She kicks ass and seldom takes names. She doesn’t need to. She’s the Warrior Princess and every bad guy’s worst nightmare. Season Five gives us some…"creative" Xena butt-kicking scenes. She fights "out of body," in the spirit world, and even takes on all the Gods. Punches, kicks, war cries, it’s all here. It may not be exactly the same as before, but we don’t need it to be because our expectations have been lowered. You’ll get plenty of fighting, wars, and dead guys in Season Five.

A few good examples of this are the body switch in "Little Problems," her fight with Alti in "Them Bones, Them Bones," and her regaining the ability to harness her Chi energy. When Xena switches bodies into a comatose little girl with the help of Aphrodite, we get to see the power of the Warrior Princess in the body of a small child. Imagine the astonishment of the men Xena fights when a child starts to royally kick their butts. One of them even gets the pinch put on him. Now that’s a sight to see. In Xena’s battle with Alti she once again enters the spirit world. Not only are there some great special effects shown in this episode but Xena really does a number on that evil shamaness. Lastly, in a revisit to Chin, Xena
once again finds inner peace through Lao Ma’s teachings. The fireballs really hit the fan then. She doesn’t flip or punch or kick, but she gives the audience a great light show. All in true Xena style. She has many skills after all.

There wouldn’t be Xena without Gabrielle. Now anything with Gabrielle in it is entertaining. But is it enough? Of course it is, however I’ll give you more to work with anyway. This little bard has toned up and looks great in the ever decreasing in size outfits. Almost all of Season Five has Gabrielle in a skimpy little Amazon-style number that shows off her great abs and athletic physique. Now THAT’S entertainment! Gabrielle does change outfits a few times. My favorite would have to be the Chin outfit.
Not to turn into an annoying fashion critic, but the emerald green oriental tunic really set off the color of her eyes. Though, the animal skins in "Them Bones, Them Bones" really set my heart a thumping. The
woman could wear a sack and I’d think it looked good, but that’s a different season. That still is not enough to entertain you? How about this? Gabrielle becomes one heck of a fighter. Forgetting that she becomes a warrior of all weapons virtually overnight, she does look great kicking bad-guy ass. We get to see her fighting some pretty big opponents, in size and in strength, and Gabby takes them on fearlessly. She didn’t earn the title of "The Gabinator" for nothing you know.

What are warriors without weapons? No this isn’t a riddle. Both Xena and Gabrielle get new weapons this go-round. In the same episode, "Chakram," Xena aquires a new chakram to replace her broken one and Gabby replaces her "lost" staff with a pair of sai. This new chakram, made by combining the Light and Dark chakrams together, is twice as cool as the old one. Not only does it whiz through the air with a fling from Xena, but it also has the ability to split apart and do double the damage before reconnecting
and flying back to the Warrior Princess. She was deadly before, but Xena becomes invincible with her new chakram. For those fans into symbolism, the new chakram also sports the yin-yang created by the curving handle in the middle. You’ve got to like that.

The Amazon Queen/Bard went without her trusty staff at the end of Season Four. That was a true heartbreaker. Yet she replaces it with the sais she had originally bought for Xena. These short swords allow Gabrielle to show off her mobility and speed while also permitting her to get up close and personal with whatever foe they fight. She handles them well for someone who spent nearly four years fighting with a quarterstaff. Not only does she handle them well, she looks great doing it.

I know we all could watch those two do their thing all alone, but there were also some guest stars that really cranked up the entertainment volume. Salmoneus and Autolycus were not among them, but returning to the scene again were Alti, Callisto, Amarice, Hercules, Ming Tien, Eli, and all the Olympian Gods. I did not mention Joxer because at this point he wasn’t a guest, he was a permanent traveling companion, and because he doesn’t crank up anything except the, "Oh, Gods, not him again," groans. Whether you liked or disliked these guest characters, they really spice up the show either with conflict or fun.

We got to see Kevin Sorbo show us that he isn’t just a pretty face with muscles but that he can act too, as Hercules held the dying Zeus in his arms. In one of the rare moments that these three characters were not annoying in some fashion or another, Amarice, Joxer and Eli’s courage at confronting the Romans to get back the bodies of the deceased Xena and Gabrielle was profound and heartening. Another great scene was the heartfelt apology Callisto gave Gabrielle in heaven. "I’m sorry." And who can forget the Alti/Gabby battle scene with the infamous line "Xena’s little bitch"?

The family theme is played up in Season Five. Some many fans want the subtext, and some find it everywhere, but whether you believe it was or wasn’t there Xena and Gabrielle make several references throughout the season about being family. Joxer is sometimes referred as a family member, but usually Xena, Gabby, and Eve make up the family. After the first four years and a journey to Heaven and Hell, Xena and Gabrielle’s bond as family and soulmates is pretty clear. Once Eve is thrown into the picture,
both Gabby and Xena make several references to the three of them being a family. Gabrielle even adopts Eve into the Amazons by giving Eve her Right of Caste. As Amazon royalty, such a thing is not given to just anyone. There was not much subtext in Season Five but there sure were affirmations of family.

That’s all folks. I hope this series has given you a new way to watch the 5th Season of Xena: Warrior Princess. Pass this on to everyone you know who watches the show. There need not be more Xenites who fall by the wayside because of season flops. We’d all like to forget Season Five, or at least most of it, but there were some crucial story plots that happened as well as character "development" that cannot be missed. And out of bad there is good. Look for it, treasure it, and move on. Now let’s set our sights towards Season Six, and based on the sneak looks at "Legacy," it looks like it’ll be a good one, at least where Missy Good is involved.

8) Season Five Parodies

Looking Death in The Eye Parody
by ArdentTly
May 1, 2000

[SPOILER WARNING]
The wagon carrying out two dauntless heroes goes careening from side to side, irritating one irritating blonde further.

G: Goldarnit! There goes another scroll..Xena!
X: Wha! You wanna come up here and drive?
G: <grumble> and this log with baby clothes is staring at me again!
X: Uh huh...you didn't drink that stuff yet, didja?
G: Nooo, why?
X: Nuthin, honey.
G: Ya know, it's been a really, really, really long time since you called me that...d'ya think Octavian will babysit Eve for a fortnight or so?
X: Huh?<whispers> we're on! Ok...now...see if you can act dead
G: Like I haven't got some skills in that area...
X: I've been dead more than you have...
G: have not!
X: Have so!...ok...jump!
G: So, was that a 'yes' we get to have some time for slap n tickle, or 'no' I'm just not interested in that anymore now that my hormones died?
X: <arching eyebrow> You wanna make out NOW? We only have seconds before we hit the sand, Gab.
G: Oh, yea of many skills...
X: Mrphhhhdfd...
G: Silence...
X: Gab? You ok? I get my turn later, right?
G: <foolish smile on face>
X: Haa...better roll you over so they don't see you like that...Now, was that a 'yes', I'll get to you later smile or a 'no', you're not finished yet smile?
G: Silence
X: Noooooooo!

********************

Livia Parody
by ArdentTly
May 5, 2000

[SPOILER WARNING]
In a cold, dark cave, lie the remains of Xena and Gabrielle, missing in action, lo these twenty-five long years.

Light suddenly streams down thru a small aperture in the icy ceiling, causing the room temperature to rise. The two blocks of ice serving as caskets for our erstwhile heroes also begin to melt.

Suddenly, a fist breaks thru the ice, and then a foot, and finally, Xena: Warrior Popsicle is freed from her frigidaire tomb!

X: Man, I've heard of chill blanes...but sheesh. <working joints, getting eyebones to finally move, releasing that burp she'd been forced to hold for twenty-five long years> How'd we get here? Where's...

Scrambling from her casket, Xena makes her way over to the other freezer section and there, under S for Sidedishes, lies her cocky companion, Gawielle...(mouth still fwozen) <<is it me, or did others hear RatWoman's voice when X first woke up? yikes! Same hairstyle too...Vidal Baboon>>

Unable to find easy egress into the other tomb, the warrior decides to go for the gusto <after all, sidedishes DO have a shelf life> and uses her trusty, yet miraculously rust free sword to free the blonde.

X: Gabwielle...
G: <groan>
X: Look, ya gotta wake up...hey, I've got fever blisters on my lips...you want me to use em?
G: Ack! No...no....I'll rise...but I refuse to grind...
X: Hey, I'm good, but I'm not THAT good...give me ten minutes to completely thaw, k?
G: Ooooh...my arm hurts
X: Oops...ehhhh...<holding up arm snapped off at the elbow> it'll grow back, promise.
G: Bu...bu...
X: Don't whine, it's unbecoming
G: <sniffle>
X: Besides, it always got in the way, anyhow. <searching around> Hey, where's Eve? Evie...Evie!
G: Help me up...we have to look for her...and don't break anything else off, will ya?
X: <tapping foot impatiently> Well? are ya done thawing yet, Miss let's do everything YOU wanna do?

Later, in the square, our heroes, looking rode hard and put away wet, accost a poor woman and tell her what's happened.

W: you ladies look lost
G: <looks quizzically over her shoulder> Heh?
X: we've been on ice for a while...Ares..
W: I knew he was into having a cold one every now and then, but..
X: hey, watch it!
W: Xena, huh? I thought you were dead.
X: Yeah, I get that a lot.
W: So...how'ja end up locked in ice?
G: <walking stiffly> we fought the gods, and gave em a good run for their money, too. We made em chase us for miles, they threw everything they had at us, we evaded them at every turn...
W: Oh yeah? Then what happened?
X: We died.
W: <small voice> Oh. Say, what happened to your arm, or is that a snack for later?
X: Heh...while I *am* a meat eater...
G: Tyrannaxenasaurus Rex, actually...<leering>
X: <almost blushing>
G: <whispering> ya all thawed out yet?
X: <cough> Say, you! You got any superbius maximus bondicus?
W: heh?
X: for the sna...er...the arm.
W: Oh sure! I'll be right back
X: make it snappy, will ya...I'm ageing while we wait here
G: <snap, thump> what was that?
X: <eyes widening> er...
G: Wha?
X: You know that complaining you used to do about how big your ass is?
G: Uh huh...<trying to see her butt from a different angle>
X: Well...it's looking pretty good now...
G: yeah? Really?
X: Heh...I'm sure you've lost half the weight there... <kicks a hunk of blue rock into the bushes>
W: here we go...
X: got the industrial strength gallon barrel? We're gonna need to make some...adjustments

A little while later...

G: did you hear what she called me?
X: ah, don't worry about it...<patting butt firmly into place> no one will ever be able to call you that again
G: Well, I'm more than a side kick, too
X: Of course you are, dear
G: <wiggling butt> Well, now I feel as good as new!
X: I'll be the judge of that
G: but what about Evie
X: Ya...ok....say, what's that building over there?

They both eye a building with a chakram and sais on it.

Walking thru the front door, they are immediately exposed to high sales pitch sales people, eager to have them buy Xena ware...

G: I don't recognize that position <eyeing a frieze>
X: <taking notes> hmmm
G: Jeez...I've heard of a bust before...
X: <eyeing large frontage on a Xena statue> Yeah, that's just...
G: Dite-esque?
X: <grin> Yeahhhhh.
G: <narrowing eyes> Care to share?
X: Heh...Hey, speaking of which, I wonder where everyone is? if it's been twenty-five years...
M: <rotund familiar looking woman waddles up> If yer gonna buy, stay...if not, hit the road...<eyes X and G suspiciously> Say...are you that male Xena guy we hired for the parade this afternoon?
X: <looks around and then back at the frumpy woman> wha?
G: Xena is NOT a guy, I can vouch for that
M: Oh, says the butch woman trying hard to be the bard...as if! She was NEVER that butch
X: see? Tolja...you gotta tone that down a bit, babe
G: <whine> but Xe...
X: window dressing, doll...ya gotta work that femme factor
G: <grumble>
M: And you...<passes gas> s'cuse me...you look too brawny yerself...Xena was more rounded, more busty, more va va voom, ya know?
X: hey, I bin sick, here!
G: yeah, knock it off
M: why, I outta...<gas leak> <sound barrier is breached>
J: eww...no excuse for that one, at ALL, Meg
X & G: Meg?!
J: <gasp> eeeek! Ga ga ga...and Xe xe xe...? I thought you were dead!
X: Yeah, we
G: get that a lot
X: <whispers> no more dumpling with red stuff in em, ok? <eyes narrow at the frumpy Meg>
G: I promise, I will NEVER rag on you again about doing your drills all afternoon...promise. <spits on hand and high fives Xena>
X: <slap!> deal!
J: <blubbering> I looked everywhere for you, Gabby...
M: jeez, really you, huh? gods, you guys look so...outta shape
X: <keeping mouth shut, but eyeing the pot-like figure> Haa..
J: I never got over you, Gab...
M: say, you wanna pose for some statues later? We can make a boodle...have a Raise the Dead sale...
G: Um...<inching closer to Xena>
J: I ended up marrying...
M: <fart!> heh...too much roughage. Joxer, get me another bowl of bean soup, will ya?
J: <pleading look> can I come with you guys on an adventure? Anywhere? pweeeese?
X & G: Well, we're off to see the Caesar, the most wonderful Caesar of all...

And as three sets of eyes look towards Rome, the mystery of just where Eve is deepens.

<and an evil deep chuckle is heard as the God of War slaps his knee at the irony of it all>

Disclaimer: the characterizations of The Tin Man, Scarecrow and The Cowardly Lion were not harmed during this bit of fluff.

9) Feedback

Comments on Issue 14

"Dear Editors:
My heartiest congratulations on another fine issue of your splendid publication. Season Four - a difficult assignment to tackle, no doubt! Of course your feature editor homed right in on the most salient feature
of the year - it is made palatable if not pleasant by comparison to the ensuing debacle known as Season Five. So Season Four becomes the hammock between the strong oak of my favorite third season and the standing timber we would all be willing to cut down if not for that little branch of hope...that Fallen Angel which like one sprig of greenery promises more than it could ultimately deliver, alas, unable to sustain the Season Five tree all by itself. But I do digress metaphorically. You did a great job of pulling together the sometimes loose threads that comprised the year. Evoking memories of the wonderful episodes we could still hope for before hope was just the thing with feathers! And your jokes just keep getting funnier. I hope that you will consider compiling all of Bacchae's wonderful subtext series into a special adjunct publication of their own! What a treat it would be to see that progression laid out so neatly. Thanks for much for sharing your meeting with the goddess of love...even a vicarious meeting with the voluptuous vixen is fun. Now let's just see what even You talented bards can do with Season Five!!! (i.e., the year of the dead wood)"
-- The Fan

"Enjoyed the xine again! About season 4, not the best of years. A very up and down season, yet you've managed to find the positives in it. You brought up all of the marvelous subtextual highlights (or maintext as in "Crusader", "Paradise Found", "Ides of March" etc.) that saved the season imo. Bacchae's article was marvelously written and brought the season into clear focus for me. Enjoyed reading some of the fanfic reviewed. Who knew there was so much wonderful writing devoted to this only marginal of seasons? Also, nice to hear that Alexandra Tydings is as charming as her character. Long live Aphrodite! And I truly love the Episode Guides. We can read subtextual episode guides in many places on the net - but none as compelling, as complete or as thoughtful as Bacchae's. I honestly look forward to reading them in each issue for their insightful comments and their unerring focus on the "relationship". Yes kiddies...it really IS all about the relationship! All in all a wonderful xine, and I can't wait to read the treatment you'll give Season 5. Give 'em all the hell they deserve guys!"
-- Sue Winter

"Thanks again for a good, thoughtful read in the season four Xine.

"Bacchae, I definitely agree with you about season four being a season of very powerful episodes mixed with some rather lame comedies, and harmed somewhat by the rather odd choice of placing an uber-comedy at the end (I liked Deja Vu All Over Again", very clever, but thought its placement was a poor choice--but I suppose the placement at season’s end was Tapert and RJ's way of appeasing StudiosUSA after the unabashedly and powerfully tragic "Ides of March"). And I agree the season started off less than swimmingly with the rather unpleasant "Adventures in the Sin Trade", where TPTB deliberately led us to believe that ROC had left the show by not even including her name in the opening credits. And the lame handling of Gabrielle's apparent death and reappearance in the episodes from
"Sacrifice II" at the end of season three to "A Family Affair" three eps into season four was inexcusable.

"Other than that, though, the serious episodes were mostly very good, very powerful, and took the show, the characters, and the relationship into some bold new territory. It's definitely a season that overall I like very much.

"Good episode reviews again. I liked "Beware of Greeks Bearing Gifts" quite a bit, though not for subtext reasons. I liked it because it was the first really epic scale episode they had done, it was cool to see Xena
and Gabrielle smack in the midst of the events of the Iliad, and the feminist spin on the ending, where Helen ends up with neither Menelaus or Paris, but gets to go and live her own life, was a nice touch. "Athens Academy of Performing Bards" I didn't care much for at the time, because it seemed like a lame way to recycle clips, and I've always found clip shows to be generally annoying on any series, but in retrospect, you point out some rather clever things about the construction of the episode. Still, "The Xena Scrolls" in season two I thought did the clip thing much better.

"Lady Adrell, I enjoyed your account of meeting Alexandria Tydings at the comic book convention. I am glad to hear she will be back for season six. The show would lose something significant if it retained none of the Greek gods. And while I originally found the depiction of Aphrodite as a Valley Girl annoying, I've come to accept and enjoy as campy fun Tyding's performances in the show, and I hope the writers continue to give her character a bit more substance and depth (one of the few good things they did in season five).

"And best of wishes to Becky Calvert, who I hope gets well soon."
-- Brian Davis

"LadyA..what a great magizine..it is really cool and I am reading it from page to page..was going to say cover to cover but that is't what it is...anyhow..great stuff."
-- Mist Magic

If you have any comments, suggestions for content, or articles to submit to this Xine, then please contact Lady Adrell at exine@exine.tvheaven.com

(We are accepting submissions for featured articles. Send to above address.)

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12) Credits

The Xena E-Xine Staff:
Chief Editor/Head Reporter/Writer: Lady Adrell
Editor/Head Writer: Bacchae2
Assistant Editor/Research: Cindy
Writer: ArdentTly
FanFic Critic: Cated
Website Analyst: Staff
Episode Guides: Bacchae2

Xena: Warrior Princess was severally damaged by the production of Season Five. Luckily, this Xine was not. But we fluffed this Issue up to mask the lack of substance in its contents in an attempt to mimic Season Five.

You have permission to forward this to other people, and by all means, please do.

The contents of this E-Xine may be copied, reproduced, or freely distributed for all nonprofit purposes without the consent of the author as long as the author's name and contact information are included, unless where otherwise stated. Example: Reproduced with permission from Lady Adrell or said author.

All contents Copyright � 2000 The Xena E-Xine, except where indicated otherwise. All rights reserved worldwide. All trademarks are the property of their respective owners.

*****	A must read if you are a Hard Core Nutball!
****	It is worth your while to read.
***	It's better than getting punched in the face by Xena.
**	Maybe a go-round with Xena isn't a bad idea..
*	Shoot me...shoot me now!